so much craziness is going on lately. personal life: scott still hasnt talked to me, i just bought a harness for my s.o. (in the library), trevor is an asshole that just borrowed money from me and probably wont pay me back, im still in debt but slowly getting out, i need to find a place to live. school: poetry international internship is going well, i am going to be introducing rae armantrout and also reading my own poetry! so i need to finalize my choices, i am taking the gre soon and havent studied at all which is a really bad thing so i need to take care of that, and im really behind and have been missing days in my classes because of all this poetry mumbo jumbo. i just want to get into a good grad school in two years! also i need to apply for teach for america: LA. hellllllllllllllllllllllll yeah.

HEAVEN is what I cannot reach!
When from sleep my self repos'd
The LORD God said,
"It is not good
For man to be alone."

I spread
Then stood unmov'd
Invisibly thus led
I thither went
and laid me downe.

Did God really say
You must not eat?

With answering looks
What thou seest
Is thy self,
What thou seest
Thou seest
Then return to the ground.

That “heaven” is, to me
Another Skie,
The cruising cloud,
Provided it do hopeless hang
(A murmuring sound).

With answering looks
You will eat your food
Follow me, whom fli'st of him
There Paradise is found!

she said she love how i look in the rain
since i never cry, yeah it shows my pain

text me, save your voice
the mountain goats wail
"hike up your fishnets, i know you"

and you dont know me,
i only wear these fishnets when i want to,
i only wear these fishnets cause it turns me on
to see my own ass in them,
the ass that i own.

sex without feeling
is just rubbing, it hurts.
sex without me is just you getting off. rugburn
stings
                                   i think too much

not too much but a lot and i just want to say
so many things that they all start blending
together and become the same projection
of feeling and that is only
"you hurt me"
over and over you hurt me you hurt me
you hurt - present tense

and im not particularly fragile
but i am particularly nice
to myself -

so why dont i answer
your laborious texts?

you hurt
and i need to take care of my health

permanent headache

i cant even write cause my jiddos keyboard is so shitty

some women were made, i was created


you got the key to my heart but you aint gon get it, id rather you open up my body

you love my big ego


wow finally switched computers, that was killin me...i couldnt even write about how shitty i feel because the keys werent going fast enough

so my mind is jumbled,
like a drum, drumbled
theres something in the water your mother grumbled
before her cookie finally crumbled

I NEED MEDICATION but i know i wont get on any, itll just make me a zombie

its too big, its too strong, its too wide, it wont fit

what costume shall the poor girl wear
to all tomorrows parties?
parents just dont understand
anal sex on coke, sorority girls, pornpity girls
girlsgirlsgirlsgirlsgirlsgirlsgirls
"look at me, im super strong" says the little one outside my window
before her mom comes out and tells her to be in at 7
like she, a 6 year old, is keeping track of time
i am so fucking behind
no love for anyone besides myself
is that true? well maybe not even myself
actually yeah i do fuckin love myself
im capable, i just need
confidence
that little girl screams for me, we have the same frustrations
shes gonna grow up and be another porn pity girl
that i want to kiss
shes gonna grow up and get no respect
like all of us

dad, you are a fucked up man. you had a kid when you werent ready and ran. im what you wanted to get away from. i make you feel bad about yourself. your life seems perfect, the way you wanted it to be besides the random liberal girl who wont stop whining about what she deserves.

once again, someone is pissed that i am demanding something. that i want and need things. that i want to be able to spend twenty dollars a week on whatever i want to spend it on because your wife spends more than that on cigarettes. i am so fucking ungrateful.

I said I wanted you to be rough with me,
and that's what I'm going to be with you.

i dont know how i am supposed to write a daily poem when i'm this infuriated. its funny how the things that make you the most mad are not issues that would be highlighted in a good poem. but im sick of not being trusted by scott. if he wants to question everything im doing i will just not answer his calls. and the phone is vibrating on and on next to me.

When I lay in bed I hear a noise
I can't turn off,

it is everything.


Incoming calls stick to me like Sundays
as a little girl, each ring of the bell a pang
of guilt. Dickinson wouldn't put up with church
bells. She stayed home and masturbated
instead. I can't masturbate without interruptions,
women and boys calling me collect, calling me
whore and hanging up just to charge me twenty
-five cents. I think 'this is why she always wore
a nightgown,' and go back to bed. 

Driving seduces me, I like to go fast.
I drive because it is a celebration
of my ability to choose my own direction.
I drive for my ancestors, women that never
sat in the front, girls that were never allowed
to like the smell of leather on their hands
or pick through parts in a junkyard.

At dusk in California, the streets are painted
yellow. The highway is frantic, anticipating
the new day. I am finally moving faster.

so in order to get the ball rolling and WRITE MORE i am going to force myself to update every day. :] and just write a short poem or whatever about whats going on. so heres the first one.


i used to be aroused,
now dig heels into dirt,

lie in the sun and burn
while my psyche yearns

i used to be hungry
til i learned how to eat,

opened a booth, and charged
people to watch me

now im jumbled
like a drum, drumbled

"theres something in the water"
your mother grumbled

as her eyes rolled back,
to where she was before that

sad sack of skin
and precious sin

a teacup shatters or it cracks
or remains in a case,

good for nothing,
in tact

you and i are dying,
thats a fact

so we fumble
on a preschool mat,

on pop we hop
and sit and sat

and pop keeps us
rich and fat

and pop licks us
in bear traps

and the heat is horrid
on our backs

like railroaders,
tired of the tracks

like slaves, sick
of the whipping lash

what nutrition
do you lack

"all can be solved
with a hard cock slap"

your mother grumbled
before the blessed bitch passed

her head in her stash
and the fury was humbled

i dig heels into dirt and lie
and worship the sun naturally

i do deals with the dirt
and worship the sun

even though it burns me

you stay up watching tv,
you stay up watching girls like me, you stay up
chained to chairs, laughing
at my honesty (and if i wore your shoes
i wouldnt do it that much differently)

i paint myself and smash
the skulls of my ancestors,
i paint myself and crush
my bones and bones of others,
with a tomahawk, a heavy rock
i paint myself and smother

but you get off discarding
anything disheartening
you get off on me
you get off on the backs
of unruly blacks
hanging from trees

and i am diseased
cause you are the doctor,
and i am diseased
cause you are my father,

and i am diseased
and i am diseased

there are bats all dissolving in a row
into the wishy washy dark that cannot let go
I CANNOT LET GO



and some great bellies ache with many bumblebees
and they sting so terribly

ophelia, cassiopoeia, asherah, jezebel

snailshells six am wet grass & seat
my feet on concrete my busted bare feet
bare meat on concrete
a cold for the heat

birds chirping too loud
always too loud for me
for me sadness lasts weeks
or months and then once
i can dream of nice things

me llamo ali see a
lord of the rings
me silly with sings
and sleepy like kings
after battle ridings

retire six fourteen
in stained cotton sheets
nothing can hide
from my menstrual leaks

New Moon at Black’s Beach, 2008

Our mouths were full of sand
(fossils, feces, trash,
decaying things). Me and you,
we’ll eat anything.

And naked, I circled your body one time
and we ran with the tides
as if called by the moon.

We took breaks, loafed like sea lions
 lulled by the waves,
coming together like ener
gy into something new.

Then loafed like people dying
comfortably, not wanting to move.


Alicia Nichols

I awoke in your garden. The sky in its sulk
made the evergreens greener, set the red
leaves ablaze. Fat, sopping clouds rolled in
too quickly. I wanted more time to feel
the way I did, lying in your soil all day. I stuck
my fingers in my mouth and pulled a violet
from its resting place, the velvety wet bank
it had found in my tongue.

“Taste it,” you said hours before, grinning
like a schoolboy with a handful of tit. And I took it
like a schoolgirl, dumb.


Alicia Nichols

my right temporal lobe was hurting so i looked it up...

Right Hemisphere

Holistic Functioning: processing multi-sensory input simultaneously to provide "holistic" picture of one's environment. Visual spatial skills. Holistic functions such as dancing and gymnastics are coordinated by the right hemisphere. Memory is stored in auditory, visual and spatial modalities.

temporal lobe: 

Auditory receptive area and association areas.

Expressed behavior.

Language: Receptive speech.

Memory: Information retrieval.



signs/symptoms of it being fucked up: 

 

• Hearing deficits.
• Agitation, irritability, childish behavior.
• Receptive/ sensory aphasia.

i wonder if weed could be making me have some kind of disorder. or just repeated drug use in general. ahh im scared. especially when receptive/sensory aphasia means : Aphasia is a condition characterized by either partial or total loss of the ability to communicate verbally or using written words.

21. liver hurts. its a picture, when you look at it one way it's grandma and jiddo. when you look at it another way its just grandma. matt was lying in the middle of the street and when a car came he grabbed for my hand over and over again. at first i thought it was funny but then i was scared he was going to die. belle reve. beautiful dream. stellaaaa. aunt stella, aunt dora, uncle dennis; they gave them a gift. it was a picture, when you look at it one way it's grandma and jiddo. then its just grandma. over and over. he grabbed for my hand. stellaaaa! welcome to belle reve.

 God was looking down on me

through the window
when i was hanging

i didn't know how to take it,
was he trying to look hungry? 
so i said "you're not gonna eat me!"

and told my body to move
but i couldn't make it

"i guess i just go on dangling
with my tits in this bra"

and i knew he was still watching me