accidental form

la here i come

2009-10-22T22:37:04Z

so much craziness is going on lately. personal life: scott still hasnt talked to me, i just bought a harness for my s.o. (in the library), trevor is an asshole that just borrowed money from me and probably wont pay me back, im still in debt but slowly getting out, i need to find a place to live. school: poetry international internship is going well, i am going to be introducing rae armantrout and also reading my own poetry! so i need to finalize my choices, i am taking the gre soon and havent studied at all which is a really bad thing so i need to take care of that, and im really behind and have been missing days in my classes because of all this poetry mumbo jumbo. i just want to get into a good grad school in two years! also i need to apply for teach for america: LA. hellllllllllllllllllllllll yeah.

future generations

2009-10-22T22:33:54Z

when you look at it one way its grandma and jiddo
when you look at it another way its just grandma
and matt was in the middle of the street
at the end was his dad - and he grabbed for my hand
over and over again
belle reve, belle reve
all the people at the party
gave them a gift. it was a picture,
the other way its just grandma. over
and over, he grabbed
for my hand.

school ish (mashup of emily dickinson, eves creation from paradise lost, and eves creation in bible)

2009-09-22T23:57:22Z

HEAVEN is what I cannot reach!
When from sleep my self repos'd
The LORD God said,
"It is not good
For man to be alone."

I spread
Then stood unmov'd
Invisibly thus led
I thither went
and laid me downe.

Did God really say
You must not eat?

With answering looks
What thou seest
Is thy self,
What thou seest
Thou seest
Then return to the ground.

That “heaven” is, to me
Another Skie,
The cruising cloud,
Provided it do hopeless hang
(A murmuring sound).

With answering looks
You will eat your food
Follow me, whom fli'st of him
There Paradise is found!

aliciaahh @ 2009-08-26T21:48:00

2009-08-27T04:48:46Z

she said she love how i look in the rain
since i never cry, yeah it shows my pain

adios

2009-08-02T22:16:32Z

text me, save your voice
the mountain goats wail
"hike up your fishnets, i know you"

and you dont know me,
i only wear these fishnets when i want to,
i only wear these fishnets cause it turns me on
to see my own ass in them,
the ass that i own.

sex without feeling
is just rubbing, it hurts.
sex without me is just you getting off. rugburn
stings
i think too much

not too much but a lot and i just want to say
so many things that they all start blending
together and become the same projection
of feeling and that is only
"you hurt me"
over and over you hurt me you hurt me
you hurt - present tense

and im not particularly fragile
but i am particularly nice
to myself -

so why dont i answer
your laborious texts?

you hurt
and i need to take care of my health

aliciaahh @ 2009-07-27T15:43:00

2009-07-28T00:14:51Z

permanent headache

i cant even write cause my jiddos keyboard is so shitty

some women were made, i was created

you got the key to my heart but you aint gon get it, id rather you open up my body

you love my big ego

wow finally switched computers, that was killin me...i couldnt even write about how shitty i feel because the keys werent going fast enough

so my mind is jumbled,
like a drum, drumbled
theres something in the water your mother grumbled
before her cookie finally crumbled

I NEED MEDICATION but i know i wont get on any, itll just make me a zombie

its too big, its too strong, its too wide, it wont fit

get no respeck

2009-07-17T01:45:27Z

what costume shall the poor girl wear
to all tomorrows parties?
parents just dont understand
anal sex on coke, sorority girls, pornpity girls
girlsgirlsgirlsgirlsgirlsgirlsgirls
"look at me, im super strong" says the little one outside my window
before her mom comes out and tells her to be in at 7
like she, a 6 year old, is keeping track of time
i am so fucking behind
no love for anyone besides myself
is that true? well maybe not even myself
actually yeah i do fuckin love myself
im capable, i just need
confidence
that little girl screams for me, we have the same frustrations
shes gonna grow up and be another porn pity girl
that i want to kiss
shes gonna grow up and get no respect
like all of us

grate

2009-07-16T22:21:20Z

dad, you are a fucked up man. you had a kid when you werent ready and ran. im what you wanted to get away from. i make you feel bad about yourself. your life seems perfect, the way you wanted it to be besides the random liberal girl who wont stop whining about what she deserves.

once again, someone is pissed that i am demanding something. that i want and need things. that i want to be able to spend twenty dollars a week on whatever i want to spend it on because your wife spends more than that on cigarettes. i am so fucking ungrateful.

aliciaahh @ 2009-07-11T18:21:00

2009-07-12T01:26:07Z

I said I wanted you to be rough with me,
and that's what I'm going to be with you.

poetry of the day: annoyance

2009-06-23T22:41:43Z

i dont know how i am supposed to write a daily poem when i'm this infuriated. its funny how the things that make you the most mad are not issues that would be highlighted in a good poem. but im sick of not being trusted by scott. if he wants to question everything im doing i will just not answer his calls. and the phone is vibrating on and on next to me.

When I lay in bed I hear a noise
I can't turn off,

it is everything.

Incoming calls stick to me like Sundays
as a little girl, each ring of the bell a pang
of guilt. Dickinson wouldn't put up with church
bells. She stayed home and masturbated
instead. I can't masturbate without interruptions,
women and boys calling me collect, calling me
whore and hanging up just to charge me twenty
-five cents. I think 'this is why she always wore
a nightgown,' and go back to bed.

progress

2009-06-22T06:00:38Z

Driving seduces me, I like to go fast.
I drive because it is a celebration
of my ability to choose my own direction.
I drive for my ancestors, women that never
sat in the front, girls that were never allowed
to like the smell of leather on their hands
or pick through parts in a junkyard.

At dusk in California, the streets are painted
yellow. The highway is frantic, anticipating
the new day. I am finally moving faster.

daily poetry

2009-06-18T23:01:05Z

so in order to get the ball rolling and WRITE MORE i am going to force myself to update every day. :] and just write a short poem or whatever about whats going on. so heres the first one.

i used to be aroused,
now dig heels into dirt,

lie in the sun and burn
while my psyche yearns

i used to be hungry
til i learned how to eat,

opened a booth, and charged
people to watch me

now im jumbled
like a drum, drumbled

"theres something in the water"
your mother grumbled

as her eyes rolled back,
to where she was before that

sad sack of skin
and precious sin

a teacup shatters or it cracks
or remains in a case,

good for nothing,
in tact

you and i are dying,
thats a fact

so we fumble
on a preschool mat,

on pop we hop
and sit and sat

and pop keeps us
rich and fat

and pop licks us
in bear traps

and the heat is horrid
on our backs

like railroaders,
tired of the tracks

like slaves, sick
of the whipping lash

what nutrition
do you lack

"all can be solved
with a hard cock slap"

your mother grumbled
before the blessed bitch passed

her head in her stash
and the fury was humbled

i dig heels into dirt and lie
and worship the sun naturally

i do deals with the dirt
and worship the sun

even though it burns me

aliciaahh @ 2009-06-07T23:50:00

2009-06-08T07:28:37Z

you stay up watching tv,
you stay up watching girls like me, you stay up
chained to chairs, laughing
at my honesty (and if i wore your shoes
i wouldnt do it that much differently)

i paint myself and smash
the skulls of my ancestors,
i paint myself and crush
my bones and bones of others,
with a tomahawk, a heavy rock
i paint myself and smother

but you get off discarding
anything disheartening
you get off on me
you get off on the backs
of unruly blacks
hanging from trees

and i am diseased
cause you are the doctor,
and i am diseased
cause you are my father,

and i am diseased
and i am diseased

celebrated sourly

2009-06-01T22:27:07Z

there are bats all dissolving in a row
into the wishy washy dark that cannot let go
I CANNOT LET GO

and some great bellies ache with many bumblebees
and they sting so terribly

ophelia, cassiopoeia, asherah, jezebel

BLABLABLA its late...or early?

2009-05-30T13:20:07Z

snailshells six am wet grass & seat
my feet on concrete my busted bare feet
bare meat on concrete
a cold for the heat

birds chirping too loud
always too loud for me
for me sadness lasts weeks
or months and then once
i can dream of nice things

me llamo ali see a
lord of the rings
me silly with sings
and sleepy like kings
after battle ridings

retire six fourteen
in stained cotton sheets
nothing can hide
from my menstrual leaks

blacks beach poem

2009-05-18T19:52:34Z

New Moon at Black’s Beach, 2008

Our mouths were full of sand
(fossils, feces, trash,
decaying things). Me and you,
we’ll eat anything.

And naked, I circled your body one time
and we ran with the tides
as if called by the moon.

We took breaks, loafed like sea lions
lulled by the waves,
coming together like ener
gy into something new.

Then loafed like people dying
comfortably, not wanting to move.

Alicia Nichols

poema

2009-05-18T19:51:29Z

I awoke in your garden. The sky in its sulk
made the evergreens greener, set the red
leaves ablaze. Fat, sopping clouds rolled in
too quickly. I wanted more time to feel
the way I did, lying in your soil all day. I stuck
my fingers in my mouth and pulled a violet
from its resting place, the velvety wet bank
it had found in my tongue.

“Taste it,” you said hours before, grinning
like a schoolboy with a handful of tit. And I took it
like a schoolgirl, dumb.

Alicia Nichols

bragne

2009-05-16T18:07:38Z

my right temporal lobe was hurting so i looked it up...

Right Hemisphere

Holistic Functioning: processing multi-sensory input simultaneously to provide "holistic" picture of one's environment. Visual spatial skills. Holistic functions such as dancing and gymnastics are coordinated by the right hemisphere. Memory is stored in auditory, visual and spatial modalities.

temporal lobe:

Auditory receptive area and association areas.

Expressed behavior.

Language: Receptive speech.

Memory: Information retrieval.

signs/symptoms of it being fucked up:

Hearing deficits.
Agitation, irritability, childish behavior.
Receptive/ sensory aphasia.

i wonder if weed could be making me have some kind of disorder. or just repeated drug use in general. ahh im scared. especially when receptive/sensory aphasia means : Aphasia is a condition characterized by either partial or total loss of the ability to communicate verbally or using written words.

five times two is ten (birthday)

2009-05-10T20:41:50Z

21. liver hurts. its a picture, when you look at it one way it's grandma and jiddo. when you look at it another way its just grandma. matt was lying in the middle of the street and when a car came he grabbed for my hand over and over again. at first i thought it was funny but then i was scared he was going to die. belle reve. beautiful dream. stellaaaa. aunt stella, aunt dora, uncle dennis; they gave them a gift. it was a picture, when you look at it one way it's grandma and jiddo. then its just grandma. over and over. he grabbed for my hand. stellaaaa! welcome to belle reve.

God was looking down on me pt. 2

2009-04-23T18:41:00Z

God was looking down on me

through the window
when i was hanging

i didn't know how to take it,
was he trying to look hungry?
so i said "you're not gonna eat me!"

and told my body to move
but i couldn't make it

"i guess i just go on dangling
with my tits in this bra"

and i knew he was still watching me

dream

2009-04-16T00:13:07Z

i woke up pleasantly this morning. i woke up a couple times. i had the oddest dreams but they didnt leave me feeling upset. in one, i was with adam. we were talking and hanging out and when he left nate came over. i kissed nate and it was really secretive because we didnt want adam to know. nate had a pony tail and really long hair. then when adam came back we went outside. this was the weird part.

adam and i were out on a raft in the ocean. he looked like michael sera for some reason too. and he said he tried to drown himself before. he went a thousand feet under the sea apparently and came back up and was brought back to life. or maybe he was a ghost. i was confused about it. then i thought i wanted to kill myself too and come back to life in the way that he was. then i woke up.

creepy! lol...

good quote i just saw from a reading

2009-04-13T06:47:57Z

sexual freedom requires sexual justice and porn is a violation of sexual justice rather than an expression of it.

rage

2009-04-13T04:35:38Z

im simply sick of pretending im not angry. i am angry. i was angry earlier when someone told me to keep an authority figure, like a man, around. why is a man my authority?

im angry when the general public believes hierarchy is inevitable.
im angry when politicians think they have any right to put rules and regulations on my body.
im angry when im told that im smart for a pretty girl.
im angry when im called a bitch for being assertive.
im angry about a man being allowed to leave his family unblamedly while a woman is expected to be selfless and naturally willing to sacrifice everything for her children.
im angry when people try to ditch the word feminism because its associated with a bad connotation: whatever we call ourselves is going to get a bad connotation!!! we need to change the society that hates women, not what we call ourselves!
im angry when people think we can work within this system to achieve social equality when this system was set up to make money off free slave labor and oppression of non-white, non-male classes.
im angry when people refuse to believe that women are still second class citizens.
im angry when i hear women calling fellow women sluts for making money in a society where women are pretty much only valued for sex appeal. why would we turn against each other when we are all victims? the real perpetrator is escaping blame-free while we fight amongst ourselves. most importantly, WHERE IS THE WOMAN TO WOMAN SEXISM COMING FROM? most women internalize hatred for women without realizing it.
im angry when i see statistics of only 50% of women enjoying sex while 80% of men do.
im angry that masturbation is such a taboo topic for females, along with anything sexual, when males are supposed to sexually experiment.
im angry at the many men that are threatened by women attaining rights. why you gotta hate? we just want what youve always had - fully human status.
im angry because two of my immediate family members were raped and/or domestically abused.
im angry because 98% of domestic violence perpetrators are male.
im angry because little boys are pumped up with violent manhood and arent allowed to show qualities that have been labeled feminine because anything that is feminine is undesirable. like crying, which is healthy for you.
im angry because no matter what i do, my kids are going to be subject to the same kind of brainwashing that i was, and had to try to undo.
im angry because i have been taught to please and not be pleased.
im angry because i have been taught to be quiet.
im angry because i have been taught to ask for help instead of doing things myself.
im angry because this list is only a fraction of what im angry about.

aliciaahh @ 2009-04-09T14:22:00

2009-04-09T21:35:07Z

That was me in the yellow dress
under the water. I was
trying to scream but only
could gargle.

awareness

2009-04-07T11:49:48Z

i was walking down the street the other day, i forget where. but all of a sudden it was like i noticed all the plants around me and they were communicating with me and breathing out into my lungs. everything smelled so good and i loved everything and everyone and just smiled and said a little prayer to the earth.

then today i saw a little cat when i was walking into renees apartment building and it looked me in the eyes. we kept eye contact till i walked in the door. when you look in an animals eyes, its like its communicating to you. everything is communicating.